Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
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Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.