The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
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I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.