Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
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*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
“what’s it like having a sister?”
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that