If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
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McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me