I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
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Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.