“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
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God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.