[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
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At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
But is it really??
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar