I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
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Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Kids, do not try this at home!
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
*3.5 thank you very much.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.