I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
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Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Dammit Chief not again
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.