I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
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Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Yup
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.