First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
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My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.