“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
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Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Time heals everything 🙂
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
“You’d better run, egg!”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try