Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
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Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
My kitchen overserved me.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb