Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
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*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
What kind of a cult is this?
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.