Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
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me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
(more comics:
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.