At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
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He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.