If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
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The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”