aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
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How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I was just discussing this with my cat
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
☺️
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.