Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
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ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Awwwww shit.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
181.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok