I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
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playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I drew y’all a little something.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire