girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
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getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed