Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
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I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Safety first
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.