my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
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Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
car not found
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”