If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
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WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
A small tragedy.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
We’re all getting idioter.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*