Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
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I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.