Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
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My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.