When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
You Might Also Like
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.