Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
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if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊