I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I was just discussing this with my cat
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
new wife guy just dropped
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.