there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
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Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.