my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
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playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
*eats only grass-fed donuts
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.