My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
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The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
The three genders
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.