When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
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Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Why is no one talking about this?!
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.