They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
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ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My purse is deeper than some people.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
not for long
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.