I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
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Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*