I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
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“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*