Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
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Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
No, YOUR illiterate.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I’m giving up for Lent.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*