I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
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Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep