I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
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SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober