Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
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beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power