[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
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my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.