[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
You Might Also Like
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
True statement👍😏😁
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!