a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
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My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
*serious situation*
My brain:
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit