person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
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“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*