An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
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Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.