I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
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a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
i want to work in this restaurant
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?