Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
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Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
an airline just for babies.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law