Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
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One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
an airline just for babies.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock