A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
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ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.