Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
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[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
SF is the wild wild west man
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Lol #dogsoftwitter
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.